Hating Cooking

         I don’t like cooking.  If I lived by myself, my kitchen would look like the Seinfeld set kitchen.  All cereal, all the time.  And, it’s not that I love cereal, it’s the fact that you don’t have to cook it that I adore.  I like good food.  I love great food.  If only I could have a wonderful meal every night.  [Wistful sigh] It just feels like sooo much work if I have to make it.  Dicey as it is, I am delighted to eat cafeteria food or even hospital food; because someone else is making it.  (And there are always rolls and butter to fill me up if it’s horrendous.)  I even looked forward to going to the hospital to have my babies because people were going to bring me the food.  I wouldn’t even have to get up. Bonus!

         I know there are people out there who love to cook because I see them on the food channel.  But do they really like cooking?  I am not convinced.  I think it’s their bubbling personalities and witty talk or their personification of some specific type of culinary “style” that actually got them the job.  Maybe I don’t have that kind of flair but I could totally pretend to love cooking, and might even actually like it, on a TV show.  If I had someone to shop for the food, wash, measure, chop, prep and clean up after me, I would adore cooking!  I have a double oven and whenever I put a dish into it I open up the other door.  There has never been a finished version ready to eat but somehow I keep hoping….

         I do enjoy baking.  Of course, the end product is so much yummier and satisfying to my sweet tooth. (Tooth thanks to growing up with Little Debbie snack cakes.)  I also think it is so much easier for my brain to cope with baking.  There may be a bunch of steps but usually they happen only one at a time and one right after another.  You follow the recipe and that’s it.  No riffing allowed.  You divert from the specified amount and ingredients and you have a flat, tasteless doorstop; so you don’t divert.

         With cooking, there is too much waiting.  For example, a recipe instructs: sauté the onions.  While waiting for them to start cooking, I pick up Time mag and start reading.  Shit, I burned the onions.  I wipe out the pan and start over.  Ok, this time I pay attention and don’t burn the onions but then I have to reduce something.  Boring.  I start reading again and suddenly the pan is gluey and nearly dry.  Arg!!!         My problem is my low interest level and a short attention span.  Too much time between steps and I drift off.  When that happens, it’s a miracle if the end result is edible.  Add ambiguity and I am done for.  What do I mean- ambiguity?  “Sauté until soft. “ or “Stir until thickened.”  Hello?  How long please?  If I can’t set a timer to rouse me from the coma this recipe put me in, it’s all over with.  

         I probably should only attempt recipes that go into the oven (Timer!) and avoid all that involve the stovetop.  That seems to be where it always goes wrong.  Whenever dinner starts on the stovetop it seems to end as just another night that I wind up serving sandwiches (or cereal!) and fruit with the accompanying whiff of scorched matter rising from the garbage pail.  All while my Real Simple magazine perches disapprovingly on the counter….

Zombie Apocalypse

          I was in my minivan thinking about when the zombie apocalypse comes and….  Wait- let me back up…

         It seems that many people are focused on zombies lately.  I don’t know if this started with Twilight or videogames or if it was always something people worried about.  (Have I been worrying about the wrong sorts of things for years?)   I used to own a VHS tape of Thriller so I had considered myself sufficiently knowledgeable about zombies.  I assumed, “Don’t go on a date with MJ=Zombies won’t come for me.”  I guess I assumed wrongly because, suddenly, it seems like there is a lot of talk of a zombie apocalypse.  It used to be my only fear was that they would want to dance with me.  That was worrisome enough since I am so uncoordinated but it seems they want to do more than that- they want to eat my flesh and brains!

         There are books, movies, video games and TV shows all dealing with apocalyptic times and zombies taking over.  Most of them deal with groups of people struggling to survive and kill the zombies.  What I am wondering is why?  I know myself.  I do not like to be afraid.  I am thinking if the zombies take over and are infecting/eating people, do I really want to live through this?  Nope. To constantly be in terror?  Um, no. I do not possess that kind of strength.  I don’t even know if I am brave enough to run from the very first zombie I see! 

         Here’s the scenario I imagine if I saw a zombie coming towards me:  I think my first instinct might be to run.  But, since I am not so fit, I wouldn’t get far.   When I stop to catch my breath, I will survey the scene of chaos around me and assess my prospects.   After flashing forward through some nightmare images of a short, terrifying life spent fighting the undead and running away from my zombified loved ones, I would make up my mind.  I would run straight into the zombie’s arms.  I will say it.  I am a quitter.  If you are assembling a zombie resistance team, you don’t want me on it.  Except maybe as a diversion. 

         I have no plans of living though the zombie apocalypse.  Or, I had no plans until I realized one thing: I have kids.  I have a responsibility to try to get them through despite my chicken heart.  Although, since they are just as spineless as I am, they might also opt for getting eaten quickly.  But then, who gets eaten first?  Will it be like when we have to get flu shots and they are arguing?  “You go first- then it will be over with and you don’t have to worry.” Or “Can I go last?  I want to see if you cry?’ Or “Youngest to oldest.” Or “No! Oldest to youngest.”  Arg, the fighting!  That will make me want to go first but as a mother, I know that is wrong.  No one should get eaten on my watch… I must try to save them. 
        Which brings me to the problem I was thinking of in my car that day…  I was stuck in traffic and thinking “I wish I could just drive over the sidewalk like in a movie.”  Since I have a wandering mind and was stuck in traffic anyway, I started running though the scenarios where I might need to drive on the sidewalk.  What I would be escaping from?  For some reasons, zombies came to mind.  I began thinking that, if a zombie herd were approaching, I would drive over the curb and over them and through them to get my kids to safety.  Which made me realize: I have the completely wrong car for a zombie apocalypse!

         I have a minivan that would be great for having to evacuate because it holds a lot but it’s not All Wheel Drive.  Actually, I think I need a 4 X 4 to get over curbs and dropped zombie body parts. My lumbering minivan would probably get hung up on the first femur that gets in its way and then we are done for! I wish I had thought of this two years ago when we got a new car…  I wish I knew what the odds were of a zombie attack… Is there anyone with a 4 X 4 who is planning on staying to fight that wants to switch cars with me?  My minivan can fit seven zombie resistance fighters and all their supplies.  Plus, I’ll even throw in the goldfish crackers under the seats.  Valuable sustenance…  Please?

Psst! Did you know that the CDC has Zombie Apocalypse tips?  The CDC!!!  This is more serious than I thought!!!   Click here to read! 

Hefty Bags

         I was in the grocery store the other day searching the shelves for blue recycling bags when I saw a new product that really got me wondering.  In fact, I think I drifted right off in the aisle; I have no idea how long I was standing there musing...

         Hefty has a new type of garbage bag.  Which isn’t what got me wondering but is interesting enough by itself.  How many more “improvements” can be made to garbage bags?  They already have reinforced ones and ones with smells and all different sizes and colors.  What innovations are left?  Apparently Hefty found one.

         Suspense killing you?  Well, thanks to Hefty, I will have just the product I need to dispose of your body!  Hefty Black Out Bags:  Keep Your Garbage in the Dark.  That’s actually what the label says.  So I was wondering:  Why does my garbage need to be in the dark?  My cheap white kitchen bags are wrong- why?  I know I can see some sloppy stuff though the bag but isn’t that why it’s called garbage?  What exactly am I throwing out that I don’t want people to see?  Extra body parts from my black market organ business?  [Snort]  I use contractor bags for that!

         So, I stood there wondering what the cashier would think if I showed up at the register with a cartful of those bags, 10 bottles of bleach and some Tide.  (And asked, “Tide gets blood out, right?”)  I would pay in all cash and wear a hood and sunglasses.  Would anyone notice or even care? 

         I just went on the website to see if they could tell me why I need Blackout bags.  Who are they appealing to besides serial killers?  Maybe it’s just me but most of the positives attributes they gave made me laugh.  “It looks nice in my can!” For all of us with OCD?  “It masks the garbage”- for all the Bree Van de Kamps (Desperate Housewives)  out there who want to pretend there is nothing yucky in the world?  “I like that the neighbors don’t see what’s in my trash.” That could backfire- before I didn’t care what was in your trash, now I want to know!!  The only point that made me go hmmm was “The kids don’t see when I throw away their art projects!’ Valid point but I have managed okay until now.

         Another possibility came to me when I couldn’t find my recycling bags.  It occurred to me that Hefty might be aiming for a niche customer that they can’t name without being vilified. (Besides the serial killers, I mean!)  I think they could be courting the customer who is above recycling; someone who can’t be bothered to rinse out a jar or a can because it wastes their time.  And, while I think most non-recyclers are self-centered enough not to care about black out bags, there must be some who fear judgment from their neighbors. (Yeah, I’m judging all of you non-recyclers.  You think you’re better than the rest of us?!) The guilty, non-recycler must be an underserved portion of garbage bag buyers.

         So, maybe there aren’t many innovations left for the garbage bag industry.  Maybe the only inventions left are inventive marketing techniques.  So I am trying to think of what needs I have that a specific garbage bag could address.  What about mouse sized bags for disposing of the tiny corpses neighborhood cats leave around?  With some padding to insulate me from feeling the stiff, little body. [Shudder]  Or a mattress sized bag for when I get a new bed?  With three kids, there are lots of weird stains and I don’t want the neighbors’ imaginations to go wild.  Or, how about opaque recycling bags? For those who had a few too many bottles of wine during the week and don’t want the neighbors to know.  (We don’t have a wine problem but we do have a whine problem.)

         There are more possibilities than I originally thought and I think I am going to be browsing the garbage bag aisle more carefully.  Actually, I can’t wait until my next shopping trip and I am going to check the websites.  I can’t wait to see what’s next!

Laughing Man-

         You know how the news shows use their best, crazy promos to get you to tune in later on?  I saw one the other day that got me thinking.The promo said that a man had an unexpected after effect from hip surgery: he can’t stop laughing.  And if I remember correctly the voice over said something like, “And it’s not so funny for his wife…”

         NO S#%T?  His wife isn’t enjoying him laughing all the time?  You call that news?!  If I were doing the lead in, I would want it to be more believable.  I would run it as, “Woman has managed NOT to smother her husband after listening to him laugh for two years!”  Or “Woman kept laughing husband chained in the basement for two years.” Or “Woman performs lobotomy on husband with the help of Black and Decker.”  Or even “Woman begs doctors to MAKE her deaf.”  On second thought, she would have to be blind too.  She would still be able to see him laughing.

         I didn’t actually see the story when it aired and I suppose I should really look it up. But then I would feel guilty mocking the whole situation.  I don’t mean to laugh at their hardship, just to imagine how it would play out in my own house.  And it would not play out well…

         Did you ever get to a party late and everyone was tipsy and had all these inside jokes that you missed?  Or had to take care of a spouse after they went to a Christmas party and came home a giggling fool?  If these situations didn’t bother you, than you are a better person than I am.  If my husband came home from the hospital all giggly, it would be amusing.  For about 5 minutes.  Then I would get irritable, “What are YOU laughing at?” If I tripped, he would laugh. [Grrr]  If I dropped a dozen eggs, he would chortle. [Argggg!]  If I burned myself at the stove… I would have to kill him…

         And I think I would be acquitted. I would videotape him before I moved in with the pillow.  I’d ask on tape, “Hey honey? Wouldn’t it befun if I held this pillow over your face?” He’d laugh. In a singsong voice I’d ask, “If you want me to kill you with this pillow laugh out loud!” Big laugh! Cut to a shot of me dancing and singing,  “Let’s have fun with the pillow!” He roars with laughter.  And I go scot-free.  (Definitely if I have a female judge!) 

         Hang on… Ohmigod!!  I just went to look at the actual video and it is crazy!  It’s a little hard to figure because the couple is is Dutch and the subtitles are a bit nonsensical.  (Either there was trouble translating or it’s even weirder!) The poor wife is not amused (duh) and only smiles at the end when they demonstrate that her husband cries for the national anthem.  His crying is the only thing that makes her smile… (I would’ve said “And when I perforate him with a fork.” And then, when I demonstrated for the camera, I would smile and say, “Usually he cries.  Let’s try again.  And again…”) Adding to the wackiness, during the interview the husband holds an Ernie doll and says something about not being able to cheat? Huh. Interesting.

         Originally, I felt sympathy for both the husband and the wife.  Definitely more for her because she is suffering waaayyy more. But I did feel badly for him as well. Who would want to laugh against their will all day?  Poor, nice couple.  The victims of some weird medical anomaly…

         BUT! After a careful review of the video, I have changed my initial assessment: I think he is faking it.  I think he wants a divorce and, being retired, they can’t afford to split up and pay for two apartments.  It is a brilliant plan!  I think he woke up from his hip surgery and thought to himself, “Well, now that I can walk again, I could go skirt chasing…if only I could get rid of her without going to jail …and keep all our money…how can I push her out?…” What a cunning way to you drive your spouse away!  I think his plan is to make her so crazy that she just walks and leaves him everything.  After two years, most women would leave screaming with only what they could carry. Then when it all goes before the courts, she is the bad guy.  She left him in his time of need!  She promised for better or worse!  He would keep everything and she would be penniless. (And she’d probably still be happy to be away from his hyena laugh!)

         I am happy to (possibly falsely) report that his plan has backfired!. This woman is made of strong stuff and she isn’t going anywhere.  In fact, she has flipped the tables.  Most women would’ve run after a month and then he could’ve stopped laughing and declared himself cured on his first date with someone new.  But he underestimated his wife.  Not only is she hanging in there, she is calling his bluff.  He has to keep it up.  Now she is waiting for him to cave.

         Think I am wrong?  Ask yourself why, in this Internet age, are we just hearing about this now?  After two years?  I think he laughed for a year waiting for her to give up.  Then she waited a year for him to give up.  Now, she has upped the ante and gotten the whole world involved.  Who has the upper hand now?  He has to abandon his plan or laugh for the rest of his days.  I think that he keeps letting people play the national anthem so that he can weep over his dilemma without giving himself away.  He even says something about getting her to leave.  But she won’t.  She has built the perfect defense!  She stood by his side through it all.  Look at how trapped the guy looks.  Can someone please get this couple a reality show??  I want to see who wins this standoff!

Judge for yourself: Watch the video here:


Scroll down the site for the video and click CC for the English subtitles.