Hefty Bags

         I was in the grocery store the other day searching the shelves for blue recycling bags when I saw a new product that really got me wondering.  In fact, I think I drifted right off in the aisle; I have no idea how long I was standing there musing...

         Hefty has a new type of garbage bag.  Which isn’t what got me wondering but is interesting enough by itself.  How many more “improvements” can be made to garbage bags?  They already have reinforced ones and ones with smells and all different sizes and colors.  What innovations are left?  Apparently Hefty found one.

         Suspense killing you?  Well, thanks to Hefty, I will have just the product I need to dispose of your body!  Hefty Black Out Bags:  Keep Your Garbage in the Dark.  That’s actually what the label says.  So I was wondering:  Why does my garbage need to be in the dark?  My cheap white kitchen bags are wrong- why?  I know I can see some sloppy stuff though the bag but isn’t that why it’s called garbage?  What exactly am I throwing out that I don’t want people to see?  Extra body parts from my black market organ business?  [Snort]  I use contractor bags for that!

         So, I stood there wondering what the cashier would think if I showed up at the register with a cartful of those bags, 10 bottles of bleach and some Tide.  (And asked, “Tide gets blood out, right?”)  I would pay in all cash and wear a hood and sunglasses.  Would anyone notice or even care? 

         I just went on the website to see if they could tell me why I need Blackout bags.  Who are they appealing to besides serial killers?  Maybe it’s just me but most of the positives attributes they gave made me laugh.  “It looks nice in my can!” For all of us with OCD?  “It masks the garbage”- for all the Bree Van de Kamps (Desperate Housewives)  out there who want to pretend there is nothing yucky in the world?  “I like that the neighbors don’t see what’s in my trash.” That could backfire- before I didn’t care what was in your trash, now I want to know!!  The only point that made me go hmmm was “The kids don’t see when I throw away their art projects!’ Valid point but I have managed okay until now.

         Another possibility came to me when I couldn’t find my recycling bags.  It occurred to me that Hefty might be aiming for a niche customer that they can’t name without being vilified. (Besides the serial killers, I mean!)  I think they could be courting the customer who is above recycling; someone who can’t be bothered to rinse out a jar or a can because it wastes their time.  And, while I think most non-recyclers are self-centered enough not to care about black out bags, there must be some who fear judgment from their neighbors. (Yeah, I’m judging all of you non-recyclers.  You think you’re better than the rest of us?!) The guilty, non-recycler must be an underserved portion of garbage bag buyers.

         So, maybe there aren’t many innovations left for the garbage bag industry.  Maybe the only inventions left are inventive marketing techniques.  So I am trying to think of what needs I have that a specific garbage bag could address.  What about mouse sized bags for disposing of the tiny corpses neighborhood cats leave around?  With some padding to insulate me from feeling the stiff, little body. [Shudder]  Or a mattress sized bag for when I get a new bed?  With three kids, there are lots of weird stains and I don’t want the neighbors’ imaginations to go wild.  Or, how about opaque recycling bags? For those who had a few too many bottles of wine during the week and don’t want the neighbors to know.  (We don’t have a wine problem but we do have a whine problem.)

         There are more possibilities than I originally thought and I think I am going to be browsing the garbage bag aisle more carefully.  Actually, I can’t wait until my next shopping trip and I am going to check the websites.  I can’t wait to see what’s next!