Zombie Apocalypse

          I was in my minivan thinking about when the zombie apocalypse comes and….  Wait- let me back up…

         It seems that many people are focused on zombies lately.  I don’t know if this started with Twilight or videogames or if it was always something people worried about.  (Have I been worrying about the wrong sorts of things for years?)   I used to own a VHS tape of Thriller so I had considered myself sufficiently knowledgeable about zombies.  I assumed, “Don’t go on a date with MJ=Zombies won’t come for me.”  I guess I assumed wrongly because, suddenly, it seems like there is a lot of talk of a zombie apocalypse.  It used to be my only fear was that they would want to dance with me.  That was worrisome enough since I am so uncoordinated but it seems they want to do more than that- they want to eat my flesh and brains!

         There are books, movies, video games and TV shows all dealing with apocalyptic times and zombies taking over.  Most of them deal with groups of people struggling to survive and kill the zombies.  What I am wondering is why?  I know myself.  I do not like to be afraid.  I am thinking if the zombies take over and are infecting/eating people, do I really want to live through this?  Nope. To constantly be in terror?  Um, no. I do not possess that kind of strength.  I don’t even know if I am brave enough to run from the very first zombie I see! 

         Here’s the scenario I imagine if I saw a zombie coming towards me:  I think my first instinct might be to run.  But, since I am not so fit, I wouldn’t get far.   When I stop to catch my breath, I will survey the scene of chaos around me and assess my prospects.   After flashing forward through some nightmare images of a short, terrifying life spent fighting the undead and running away from my zombified loved ones, I would make up my mind.  I would run straight into the zombie’s arms.  I will say it.  I am a quitter.  If you are assembling a zombie resistance team, you don’t want me on it.  Except maybe as a diversion. 

         I have no plans of living though the zombie apocalypse.  Or, I had no plans until I realized one thing: I have kids.  I have a responsibility to try to get them through despite my chicken heart.  Although, since they are just as spineless as I am, they might also opt for getting eaten quickly.  But then, who gets eaten first?  Will it be like when we have to get flu shots and they are arguing?  “You go first- then it will be over with and you don’t have to worry.” Or “Can I go last?  I want to see if you cry?’ Or “Youngest to oldest.” Or “No! Oldest to youngest.”  Arg, the fighting!  That will make me want to go first but as a mother, I know that is wrong.  No one should get eaten on my watch… I must try to save them. 
        Which brings me to the problem I was thinking of in my car that day…  I was stuck in traffic and thinking “I wish I could just drive over the sidewalk like in a movie.”  Since I have a wandering mind and was stuck in traffic anyway, I started running though the scenarios where I might need to drive on the sidewalk.  What I would be escaping from?  For some reasons, zombies came to mind.  I began thinking that, if a zombie herd were approaching, I would drive over the curb and over them and through them to get my kids to safety.  Which made me realize: I have the completely wrong car for a zombie apocalypse!

         I have a minivan that would be great for having to evacuate because it holds a lot but it’s not All Wheel Drive.  Actually, I think I need a 4 X 4 to get over curbs and dropped zombie body parts. My lumbering minivan would probably get hung up on the first femur that gets in its way and then we are done for! I wish I had thought of this two years ago when we got a new car…  I wish I knew what the odds were of a zombie attack… Is there anyone with a 4 X 4 who is planning on staying to fight that wants to switch cars with me?  My minivan can fit seven zombie resistance fighters and all their supplies.  Plus, I’ll even throw in the goldfish crackers under the seats.  Valuable sustenance…  Please?

Psst! Did you know that the CDC has Zombie Apocalypse tips?  The CDC!!!  This is more serious than I thought!!!   Click here to read!