Magazines

            Yesterday, I came home and had to shoulder my front door in as if I was breaking and entering.  There was a HUGE pile of magazines behind the door.  I think our mail carrier must’ve used a wheelbarrow to deliver them.  The only time we ever get this much mail is in that period between Thanksgiving and New Years when every catalog, from “Meatsticks” (that sounds dirty but I meant as in food) to “Cheap Plastic Crap Because You Can’t Think of Anything Else To Give”, arrives in droves.

            As a household, we really only get about one magazine per person because I am cheap.  (Have I mentioned this?)  So why this windfall that makes me apologize to our letter carrier daily?  Frequent flier miles.  My husband realized that a number of our frequent flier miles were about to expire and started looking for ways to “spend” them.  Me and my cheap self are thrilled with that because, “We earned those miles and I’ll be damned if we get ripped off.”  But I wish he’d asked some of us to choose a magazine.  (He claims the selection was limited and time was running out.)  Now everyday a mystery magazine arrives that make me think, “What was he thinking?”  We can’t even get through the newspapers- how are we going to read this mountain of magazines?  It’s a weird mix.  I can almost hear him thinking as he made his selection: “Oh, I’d like to know more about this.”  Or, “We should do more of that.”  But to actually devote the time to learning enough about each subject to enjoy it in my recreational reading?  Not happening.  (At least not for me.)

Wine Spectator-  We know nothing about wine other than a couple of basic types.  I imagine that he was thinking it would be nice to pick something out based on knowledge rather than label appeal.  (At least that’s how I pick out my wine and the same pretty labels keep sucking me in in “classic bait and suck” tactic.)

Forbes Life-  The why is easy on this one.  He wants to retire.  Now.

Outside-  Really?  Well, I love the idea of being “outdoorsier” except for the bugs and poisonous stuff.  But I can’t believe he picked this because he reuses to even think about camping.  This magazine has articles about Climbing and Dying on Everest and Bear attacks.  Really?  Moths send my kids into hysteria.  I wonder if there is an Outdoors Lite?  Or maybe one that recommends good videos about the outdoors…

Vogue- ?  My best guess is that he is interested in the see thru clothes.  I Spy with nips?  (I doubt he’s hoping I’ll pick it up and try to look more glamorous…)

GQ- Huh?  His favorite t-shirts have paint stains older than our youngest child…  (She’s not that young anymore!)

Golf- He knows about that but I think it’s been at least a year since he played…

Sports Illustrated- Well, I know he likes sports but I’d be deluding myself if I thought the sports was a more compelling reason than having the Swimsuit Issue delivered right to our door.  And, he can claim he didn’t buy it:  I didn’t want it! It just comes with the subscription!

            Hmmm, maybe the magazine selection is about who he wants to be when he “grows up”.  A rugged, jock billionaire, with fabulous clothes and a wine cellar that all the girls chase after.  That is kind of nice. But what if I had made the selection?  I probably would have picked Rolling Stone, Popular Mechanics, Real Simple, This Old House and Mad magazine.  What does that say about me?  When I grow up I want to be up on music and Spy vs. Spy while I clean and decorate? I am mentally crossing myself with Martha Stewart, Norm Abram and Alfred E. Neuman.   Yikes.  Wait, this started out as mocking him.   Suddenly his selection looks more normal…