Juicy Couture?

            I saw someone walk by me at the gym with a word on her butt and realized that I haven’t seen “Juicy” around much lately.  And I was much relieved!  I have daughters and don’t want to see either of them sporting look-at-me words on their asses.  Of course, they agree now that the fashion is ridiculous but if it’s always around the idea might grown on them.  They might begin to think it looks good.  Even worse, they might want to accessorize it with an orange spray tan! Nooooooooo!

            As my large keister was lumbering along on the elliptical, I saw “word-butt” go by again.  I started thinking –why would anyone want to draw eyes TO their butt?  Don’t we all spend years asking, “Does this make my butt look big?”  Wouldn’t printing little words on your butt make it look bigger?  I mean isn’t that the reason we wear shirts with words across the breasts?  To draw the eye and give the illusion that they are bigger?  And to draw attention away from your behind?!  Because, while there are bad butts, most men will say there are no bad boobies.  And no, I am not a harlot.  I am just realizing that as I get older drawing more attention to the girls (while they are still north of the equator) is a smoke screen for the “continental drift” that happens in your 40s…

            And, if your butt is fabulous, isn’t there a better, more tasteful way to showcase all your hard work or good genetics?  (Me and my flat, expansive butt-DNA hate your great butt-DNA.)  Why not wear a great pair of jeans?  Or a cropped coat? And, for those of you who really need the attention, you could drop your pen repeatedly or carry something in your back pocket.   (Or convince Juicy to make braille pants!)

            I’m not crazy about words on butts but I have a particular aversion to the word “Juicy”  I guess the word is supposed to bring to mind… what?  Something succulent? A peach?  Some sort of fruit? Does it do that for guys?  ‘Cause when I think of a juicy ass, I think of ass juice.  Moisture.  Then, I think “Grooosss”.  I would not like to walk around giving people the impression that my butt was runny and damp.  Am I the only person that thinks this when I see “Juicy” on a butt?  Wouldn’t the whole “truth in advertising” thing imply this:  Juicy=Swamp Ass?

            If I were ever to wear words on my butt, they would be “Goodyear” or “Stay Puft”.  Not really.  But it certainly wouldn’t be “Juicy”.  I think an appealing message to wear across my ass would be “Dry, Tidy, Perfumed, Comfy, Quiet, Operative”.  I know it seems kind of long but wouldn’t my butt look tiny in the midst of all that writing?  Should I use large print?  What font would make my butt look smaller?