When I
joined the gym, I got a “free” hour with a trainer to set me up with a routine
and teach me how to use the machines. I
had a very nice woman trainer with a killer body. Just another athletic person who loves to
exercise. [Read in exasperated voice.] I
wish there was a pill I could take that made me like that…
Optimistically,
she set me up with a nice circuit of exercises on the dummy weight
machines. I say dummy because pulleys
control the range of motion and I think most people would have to try hard to
hurt themselves on these. (Notice I said
most, I’m sure this one person could do it no problem!) Unlike free weights, I would be unable to drop
these on any of my straggling body parts.
Ok, I thought, I can manage this.
But,
apparently, I also need to do something called “cardio”. I have to exert
myself and raise my heart rate. If I wanted to exert myself, I would’ve
joined a…wait. Fine. I’ll exert
myself. Gently. I carefully considered all the different
torture devices they offered. I decided
that, since I do have a habit of walking around on my legs, the treadmill was
the best way to go. Seemed like it
wouldn’t be that hard to figure out. I
was right, the treadmill wasn’t hard
to figure out but I was.
It was like
HS gym all over again with my body not cooperating! I wasn’t even running- I was just trying to
walk quickly! The people around me were loping gracefully along like gazelle. I
lurched like Frankenstein (or Lurch). As I convulsed
along, I tried to figure out what was wrong
with me. I couldn’t stay in the center
of the damn tread. I was veering to one side and then trying to make up for it
and lurching in the other direction. Is
one of my legs shorter than the other?!
If left alone in a big open space, would I wind up walking in a
circle? Are my hips crooked? Does one of
my knees bend backwards like a flamingo’s? I just can’t understand it. I walk around all day long. Do I walk like this all day? (No wonder my
kids find me embarrassing!)
Still
stumbling along, I began to wonder if I am actually exerting myself more than a
normal person would at the same speed. I have to be taking twice as many steps
just trying to stay on the damn tread. And what do I do with my arms?! When I am managing to walk straight, they are
down at my sides like a marionette with a few strings cut or Molly Shannon on Seinfeld.
But, more often, they are randomly jerking around to counterbalance
me. Think of a baby learning to
walk. Humiliating…
I start to
think that maybe, because my legs are long, that I can’t find a smooth gait
while walking. Should I try
running? I imagine myself loping along
like one of the people-gazelles around me. Nope. Totally wrong. My stride is no smoother. It’s probably worse because I am so distracted
by the way my flesh is jiggling. Could
the jiggling be what is making me so out of balance? Could one of my cheeks
weigh much more than the other? I feel
like George Jetson, yelling to his
wife. I have to get off this thing. I try to stop carefully. I am terrified of tripping myself up and pin
wheeling off the back like a ninja’s throwing star. Taking out the endorphin freaks on the
machines behind me before I splat against the back wall is not the way I want
to start my new exercise “lifestyle”.
After a few
more unsuccessful tries on the treadmill, I give up. I’ve had a little more success with the
elliptical-thingy. I recommend it to
anyone as supremely movement challenged as I am. It has foot shaped places to put your feet on and handles so your hands know what to do and don’t just swirl
around in midair embarrassingly. Here’s
the best part: it moves you in a smooth stride!! I mean you have to make the effort to move it
but the motion is totally scripted! No
improvising! It is so much better than
the treadmill that I am a little excited about it. I am sure that I don’t look as normal as
everyone on the machines next to me but
maybe normal enough to the unobservant eye.
Except for when a really good
song comes on my iPod and I am lurching my head and torso all around to the
beat. But at least my hands and feet are
still in the right places! If I could
somehow loco mote with this thing, I would use it around the house. Then maybe I wouldn’t be lurching into the doorjambs all the time…
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