Evil Mom Thoughts

            Do you ever have evil thoughts as a parent?  I love my children but sometimes they make me crazy and I want a little passive-aggressive payback.  OR, because they haven’t been on the Earth as long and are gullible, I want to have a little fun at their expense.  Is that so wrong?  Ok.  I guess it’s a little wrong.  But still fun!

            Sometimes, I have these creepy, “Chucky” thoughts.  I don’t act on them.  But, still, I think, “Hmm, what if those little dolls are not tucked into their beds in the morning but are sitting at the desk with a pen…  You ask, “What would they be writing?"  I don’t know…  a ransom note to Ken about Barbie?  A note that say’s to my daughter, “You look so cute when you are sleeping!”  How fun would that be?!  Okay, not that fun because she would have to sleep in my room for the next year.  But it’s fun to think about…

            Sometimes, I feel like making them the juice pops they like (frozen juice in a mold) with beet juice just to see their faces.  Or covering their doors with plastic wrap while they are sleeping.  Or short sheeting their beds.  (Which my father used to make sound like a great prank.  Seems kind of dull to me but probably the nicest trick I could play on children…) 

Short sheeting would be nicer that putting black X’s on a doll’s eyes… Or making a chalk outline of a doll on the floor.   What’s wrong with me?  (I think I need to stop watching Law and Order.  And maybe grow up…)  It’s not as if I like having pranks pulled on me.  I am a chicken.  And I have spawned three chickens.   I think it’s just the problem of a wandering mind and an overactive imagination.

            This week, I succumbed to a good idea and opportunity.  I couldn’t resist!  We recently got a new desktop computer to replace the dinosaur we’ve been using.  Because the dinosaur was, well, a dinosaur, we couldn’t print from our laptop.  The old D-Rex couldn’t network.  Saturday, my son asked to go on the big computer to play Roblox.  I was in the other room setting up the laptop to network/print.  I needed to test that it was working.  I had to print something.  But what?

I knew that my son would be shocked if the printer suddenly went on and that he would check to see what printed. I started hearing an inward, maniacal cackle.  When the printer turned on I called in to my son, “Why are you printing?  It’s not set up yet.”  He said confused, “I’m not.” Here is what he saw:

Hi L _______,

This note is from God. 

[I heard a gasp.  Then he read on.]

I love you.

(And so does your mommy.)

“Moooom!”  I was laughing.  “You scared me!  I thought I did something wrong…”  I went in and he had his hand on his heart and he said, “You really scared me. My heart slammed…”  And then I felt guilty.  Why did I have to be so mean?  How could I make him feel like God was about to yell at him through the printer?  (And, why couldn’t I stop laughing?)  Evil mommy…

And, yet, I have to admit that I am a bit annoyed with myself (since he did think it was from God for a moment there) that I didn’t send a more meaningful message.  Like, “Do your homework.” Or, “Study hard.” Or,  “Stop playing electronics and go outside.” Or, “Your mother hates cooking.  Now it’s your job.”  I wonder if this would work on my husband….