Literal Boy Doesn't Do Halloween

     If you asked my kids, the best and brightest days of the year are their birthdays and Christmas.  Next up are Halloween and Easter.  Because if you aren't getting toys and gifts, the next best thing is candy!  Halloween probably edges out Easter just because there is a greater volume of candy, the fun of trick-or-treating and the excitement of dressing up.  It is ecstasy for a child.  Well, for most children...
     One of my kids doesn't really do Halloween.  He has always been someone who likes predictability and I can appreciate that, when you are little, everything turns upside down on Halloween.  But, he is also a bottomless pit who loves chocolate.  When he was  small, the glory of people giving us candy for just ringing their doorbell was amazing and so surprising.  The odd happenings of the day were worth suffering through for the glorious candy gorging.  And, because his siblings were small as well, he didn't have to suffer for long or in the scary darkness.  It was a very short period of time for him to deal with the craziness.
     Things changed the year after he started Preschool.  His older sister was wanting to go when it was beginning to get a tiny bit dusky.  (She wanted a teensy bit of spookiness but was still a chicken.)  And his little sister was old enough to walk around with her own bag to get goodies.  It should've been exciting.  Everyone was (sort of) old enough to understand, get excited and participate.  There was dressing up for school, parades and parties.  Officer T. came to talk about trick-or-treating safety.  Everyone got reflectors for their shoes.  
     How exciting for a little boy- Police officers!  Reflectors!  Oh joy!  #2 was so excited to come home and relay all the safety info he had dutifully listened to and absorbed.  That year, he was actually being a police officer for Halloween!  Now he was legit;  he had been trained!  How fortuitous!  Lock and load- let's go trick or treating!
     My husband came home from work early so we could all go together.  The anticipation of all that candy was driving them insane.  They were armed with big plastic pumpkins and worried that they weren't large enough to contain their haul.  Well, #1 was worried.  #3 was slightly confused and #2 was excited but was curiously composed...
     We rang our first doorbell.  Peppermint Patties!  We rang our second and third doorbells.  We walked, kicked the fallen leaves and compared the candies.  We chatted about neighbors and preferred brands of candy bar.  It was fun!  We got to our (maybe) fifth house and started walking up the front walk.  Well, the girls were going- #2 was just standing there.  
Me: "Come on buddy- let's go." 
He:  "I can't."  
Me:  "What? Why?"
He:  "I can't.  I don't know these people."
Me:  "It's okay, come on."
He:  "No. I don't know these people.  Officer T. said I should only go where I know the people and I don't know these people."
Me:  "You're right!  You were listening so well!  But, it's okay, Daddy and I know them! So come on, buddy."
He:  "Nope.  I don't know them.  Officer T. said."
    And that was the end of trick-or-treating for him.  He went to the few other houses where HE knew the folks.  And then he went home with dad to hand out candy at our house while I went on with the girls.  So much for trick-or-treating as a family! 
     Maybe it's just coincidence that he absorbed the Officer T. message the same year that he decided Halloween is just too unpredictable for him.  Or maybe, before that point, the lure of the candy was enough incentive for him to suffer through the trick-or-treating ordeal.  But once he realized that the candy could be a source of danger all it's own, he was out.  (Though it's more fun to say Officer T. ruined Halloween!)
     I guess I should be happy that he is strong enough to stick to his guns despite the lure of chocolate pleasure and peer (and parental) pressure to "Just Do It!"  Despite his friends loving Halloween, it's been years since he has gone trick-or-treating.   Or dressed up.  (It was easy to see my kid in the parades at school.  Bugged that he still had to march with his class when he was wearing regular clothes. ) Hopefully this trait will carry him through the times people are trying to push him to try more than candy.  Please, please, please... 

P.S. However, he was more than willing let me go on with the girls.  (Even though he doubted my ability to bring him to safe homes.)  And he was thrilled to eat anything the girls gave him when they got home- without knowing "the people" who had dispensed it.  What does that mean?  Was he really serious about what Officer T. said or was it just his ticket out of a holiday he hated? Or maybe he didn't want to put in the time but was thrilled to gobble up the spoils of the girls' labor...  Is he lazy?  Or a secret delegator?  

Hussy Halloween

     I am a big fan of making Halloween costumes for a couple of reasons.  One, I hate to spend money on something that will be worn for only a few hours.  Two, the Halloween memories I treasure most involve costumes that I made with my mother's help.  Over the years my kids haven't always liked my reluctance to buy costumes but they certainly are prouder of the costumes they have worked on than ones we have bought.  (It's also nice that you won't find someone else in the same costume as you at the school parade.)
     Now I am finding a new, wonderful and surprising benefit from pushing them to make costumes all those years.  My teenager is still making costumes instead of dressing "Hussy Halloween".  If you have bought costumes for your kids, you have noticed the slutty selection for anyone over the age/size 10-12.  

Okay, this isn't as slutty as what's coming but still definitely suggestive.  I saw it labeled as Va Va Vampire...







     When she has a boyfriend, in just a few short years, they can go as members of the US Navy!  Because this IS what they wear in the Navy...

If she's not dating anyone, I'm sure it'll be easy to "hunt down" a new boyfriend when she goes as a Commando!



[Shiver] I am trying to hold off the slutty costume years as long as possible...



      Last year, my daughter was starting to wonder if she was getting too old for Trick or Treating.  I told her there were kids older than her that came to the door but it annoyed me when they came for the free candy but made no effort to dress up.  Just a top hat? Come on!  You want the candy, do the work!  So she planned a costume with a friend.  They enjoyed making them and made great, original and totally fun costumes without a bustier in sight!  Creativity trumped skank!  I love it when that happens. And it makes me feel better about the times, when all they wanted was a store costume, that I forced them to think of something homemade...  
     Maybe (Please!) they will never get into the hussy Halloween wear.  Is it, because I steered them away from the store bought, that they never had that crap seared into their minds during their formative years or is it genetics?  Sometimes I wore less clothes than usual for Halloween and wanted to look cute but I never wanted to look like I was attending the Adult Film Awards.  And I never had the desire to wear this when I was pregnant!!

I saw this at Target labeled "Sexy Devil Mom-to-Be Costume". (Although it seems more like a Walmart find, said M. I agree and I bet it doesn't have to even be Halloween to wear this in Walmart...)

If His Pretend Girlfriend Moved In (As My Sister Wife)

            My husband and I have been married nearly twenty years.  (It blows my mind to even write that because I still feel like I am twenty years old.  And look it, right? Crickets.  RIGHT?! Come on people…) Anyway over the course of a marriage, things change.  Not in bad ways but I think it’s safe to say infatuation fades.  How could he still be infatuated with me when he knows I scrub the toilets?  Real life gets in the way.  When infatuation fades, I think it’s okay to get a little fix of the old feeling from someone else.  (Rule:  Has to be someone unattainable.) I’ve had pretend boyfriends for years; it’s only fair that he has a pretend girlfriend.      

            Right now, his pretend girlfriend is Gloria from Modern Family- played by Sophia Vegara.  And I can totally understand why.  (I’m talking about the character Gloria; why think of the real person when it’s all pretend anyway?)  Gloria comes “bouncing” into a room. (I slam my shoulder into the jamb on my way in.)  She wears tight clothes.  (I am hanging onto a pair of overalls and hoping they come back “in”.)  She’s exotic.  (I am PB&J.) Her nails are beautiful. (I have nails.) And she always looks put together.  (Um, I’m falling apart.)  Gloria is the perfect woman.  She’s like a real live Barbie; even I want to look at her.  

            I even told him that she is so beautiful and funny that it’s okay if he wants to bring her home.  I guess we’d be sister wives.  She’s so pretty and sparkly that I got a little caught up in the idea stream.  [Insert wavy dream sequence graphics.] We’d be friends.  She would teach the kids Spanish, help me match my clothes and show me how to put on makeup.  We’d giggle and maybe do Pilates together.  (I believe Pilates is an exercise trend based on pirate-karate.)  We would share t-shirts and eye patches- it would be great!        New besties!

            But then I started thinking about Gloria’s laugh and voice.  We’re Italian and already loud.  Add her to the mix and the neighbors would be complaining.  And what about taco night?  It’s one of the few dinners that all three kids don’t complain bitterly about.   I’m sure it’s not very authentic and I’ll be pissed when she points that out.  (Like I need one more person complaining about my food!) Plus, I’m sure I’ll have to do the dishes.  She can’t ruin her manicure and the steam will be bad for her blowout.

Then I started thinking: I’m sure I’ll be the wife who does the laundry. I bet all her clothes have special instructions!  Noooooo!!!  I’ve finally stopped shrinking things.  (Although, if I shrunk her clothes, they would fit # 3’s AG dolls…) Plus, I’d bet that she changes clothes 100X a day.  I can just picture her in a cute Jane Fonda workout leotard exercising enthusiastically as I frump past- schlepping her laundry.  I bet, in her exuberance, she inadvertently punches me as I go by…  

            And, I’ve seen “stars are just like you” photos.  I know she has to work to look that fab.  I could never compare with my school-driving/bus-stop-rushing/throw-on-quick clothes.  She’d sleep late while I got everyone out the door and then she’d hog the bathroom for hours so I’d have to stay rumpled all day.  Plus, she’d stay up late with her loud voice and laugh so I’d always have giant rings under my eyes…

            The idea of a sister wife is attractive if she makes life easier.  I think having Gloria as a sister wife is actually going to make more work for me and wear me down into a ragged hag.  I think I need to start brainwashing J to pick out a new pretend girlfriend.  Someone who will not make me look so bad in comparison.  Who won’t work me into a nub of a woman…  Hopefully someone who will help out a little and cook and make me look good when I stand next to her.  Someone like…  Alice!!  From The BradyBunch!!  That’s the kind of girlfriend he should have!  Carol Brady had it all figured out!  Sit in the groovy den and read a magazine while a plain looking sister wife does all the work and cooking and lots of the childcare without laying a hand on your husband!  Perfecto!

I bet if I quietly played audio of Alice, while filling the air with the scent of bacon, J would find his thoughts inexplicably drawn to Alice.  It wouldn’t be long until I would find photos of Alice in the browser history.  J would be all, “Heather, I keep having these weird Brady Bunch dreams.  It’s so creepy!  In them, Alice is talking with Gloria’s voice!” [Shudder]  Hmm, I think I need to go  research what could go wrong with subliminal messaging.  And the meaning of the word pretend…  

That's Terrifying!

     Does anyone remember the TV show "That's Incredible?"  It was a TV show in the early 80's that inspired and terrified.  (If you click on the pink link above, it shows a clip that I remember.  And, boy, the video is a time capsule.  The family is sitting on their clear-plastic covered couch- it looks sooo comfy!) 
     "That's Incredible" featured Fran Tarkenton, John Davidson and Cathy Lee Crosby- people I haven't seen since this show.  I remember the cheesy, cheese-colored set and the big lapels.  The hosts introduced stories of people doing 'incredible' stunts, surviving 'incredible' events, having 'incredible' talents and the 'incredible' paranormal.  It was... INCREDIBLE!
     I remember sitting in my parents living room, waiting to be wowed with the promised "incredible" tales.  What would they show us tonight??  There was no DVR so we had to be PJed and ready!  No yelling from the kitchen, "Can you freeze it while I get a snack?" It was (in my mind) a great show but there were two episodes that terrified me and made me sleep with my lamp on for years!
     One feature that I remember was "Rent-A-Ghost".  I loved the idea and remember trying to commit the information of the agency to my memory.  My beloved Grandpa had recently passed away and I was thrilled with the idea of him coming around.  I went to bed that night thinking of how I would write to the people on the show and find out how to get my grandpa to hang around me.  I wondered how much it would cost and thought about ways to earn a bit of money.  I fell asleep happily.  At some point in the night, I awoke.  The memory of the rent-a-ghost came flooding back.  It was dark and quiet and everyone was asleep.  What if Grandpa decided to come back right now?!  AAACCCCKKKK!  "I love you Grandpa but don't come now! Don't come now!" Light on! Under the covers! Sleepless night!  I tried to remember that he wouldn't come just to haunt me because he was nice but I was still worried about him popping out of nowhere.  Thanks, ABC...
     "Rent-A-Ghost", I had mixed feelings about.  But there was an episode that struck terror in my heart.  No, not the "Amityville Horror"episode.  That was scary but it wasn't my house or town.   (Thankfully my walls were groovy wood panelling, not dripping blood.) If you grew up watching the show, I bet you know exactly which one I am talking about.  Let's shout it out at the same time.  1, 2, 3... "Spontaneous Human Combustion".  The way I remember it, they talked about a man who just burst into flames.  The only things in the house that were burned were him and his armchair.  The fire just left some scorch marks on the ceiling above and the floor below.  I think they also told the story of a woman.  There was a whiff of ozone and she just burned up and wrecked the rug! 
     OH. MY. GOD.  There is an abundance of possible events to strike terror in the heart of a child.  Earthquakes, tornados, bad guys, an "F" on your permanent record.  I had NO idea I could just combust.  Every Fall, in school, we learned to "Stop, Drop and Roll".  Would that even work?  I didn't think so.  Combust?  It sounded like I would just explode in a ball of flame.  Why weren't the visiting firemen teaching us about that?!  Shouldn't I have a fire extinguisher next to the bed? And an asbestos blanket?  Why did no one talk about this?  I think it was being kept from us kids- since nothing could be done.  How many are we actually talking about here?  More bedtime terror compliments of the American Broadcasting Company.  Turn on the overhead light AND the little lamp!  Clamp the blanket over my head.  No! I might get hot...and COMBUST!!!  Wait!! PJs are flame retardant!  And the people in the show who combusted were grownups!  Thank goodness-  it must only happen to grownups.  Calm down...Whew...  AACCKKK!  Mom and Dad!!!  
     I think it was years before I stopped thinking about combustion at bedtime.  Luckily, my family escaped the phenomenon.  (I wonder which state has the highest combustion rates  and the average combustion age.  Maybe it's more dangerous to live in the South?)  And, I don't remember any friends talking about their grownups randomly exploding.   
     Hmmm, you're a grownup now.  You don't worry about these things; do you?  But, I'll bet you are going to start Googling spontaneous human combustion as soon as you close this page.  Hey, while you're online, you'd better order some new flame retardant footed PJs.....  Sleeping with the light on tonight?

P.S.  Did you know Tiger Woods was on That's Incredible! When he was 5 years old?

Dreams

            Is there anything more tedious that listening to your kids relating a dream they had?  Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and I know how quickly they grow.  I know that someday I will miss the morning wake up routine but I don’t think I will miss the dream dissertations…

            Why are they so boring?!  It’s hard to follow a story with no plot and dreams rarely do.  And there are always these random people that I don’t know just showing up. “And then this girl Julie walked in with an antelope.”  At times, it seems as if the dreamer hasn’t worked out the details before starting to explain.  There are often long pauses while they try to remember what happened next.  Argg!

            Then, as if it wasn’t bad enough listening to it the first time, there are also many revisions.  So you have to re-listen to new versions of what you just heard.  “No, not Julie.  Was it Jenny?  And it might have been an elephant… Then we were at IHOP no, wait, McDonald’s. Oh, I forgot to tell you the part before that!  I think… the principal was there…”

            Kids and grownups differ in their dream telling.  Kids seem to just want to relate every last detail from beginning to end.  It’s hard to cut them short and they like to embellish.  Grownups don’t have to recount every detail but there is time added because they are often trying to figure out why something happened as they are telling it.  So you are suffering through the dream and the analysis!  “Then there was this cat.  It’s so funny I feel like I’ve seen that cat before.  Where have I seen a cat lately?... Hmmm… Anyway the cat says to me…Oh, I know!  I saw the cat on Main Street the other day.  Oh, I was thinking about the dry cleaners before I fell asleep, that’s what made me think of the cat I guess…So anyway…” (Yes, I am talking about myself.)

            It’s rarely fun listening to someone describing a dream they had.  It has to be one helluva dream to be interesting to anyone but the dreamer. Even knowing that, I try to tell my dreams to my kids and husband. I always forget they won’t be interested in my dream (and accompanying analysis) so I trail off halfway through when they glaze over.  The blank look reminding me to cut it short or just to drop it.

            The problem is that when they are recounting their dreams to me, I am too polite.  I make those nice sounds “Really?” or “How funny!” Which invites them to add more. It would be nice if we could just snuggle up and I could pretend I am listening while I am making a mental shopping list but usually they are yammering and staring into space instead of getting dressed or eating breakfast.  I am trying to pack lunches and cattle-prod people into shoes and coats.  I may be murmuring interested sounds but my face and body are betraying me.  They accuse, “Are you even listening?” “Yes, yes, she had an antelope.  Zipper your coat.”

            I don’t want them to know that I find them less than riveting sometimes.  They think they are the center of my universe.  Most of the time they are; but not at dream retelling time.  During dream retelling, it’s as if I am back in HS physics class.  Glazing over and in danger of falling out of my seat. I hope they don’t remember me being uninterested and bring it up years from now as the tipping point that put them into therapy.  I am wondering if I can create one kick-ass dream-listening experience that they can remember into adulthood as the way I always acted.  One weekend, I should listen raptly to each one while I hand them candy and hot chocolate and tell them “you are so wonderful” every few moments.  Then I will take them out and let them drive the car in the yard.  I don’t think that could be topped!  It will be so wonderful it will override every crappy dream response I give for the next 15 years.  Don’t you think?