My GPS...

The above wasn't my original title.  My original title was: 

"My GPS is a Total Bitch Who is Trying to Break Up My Marriage and I Just Hate Her So Much and I Want to Step on Her and I Regret Throwing Out My Atlas Because She Was Supposed to Be All That AND a Bag of Chips but is not but IS Almost Completely Evil."

But... that seemed really long. AND I really wouldn't need to type anymore because I would've already told you the whole thing. (Plus the capitalization gets all tricky with that many words in a title.) So I just settled for the dot dot dot. 

Anyway!

I came into this marriage almost 20 years ago with a pristine Rand McNally Road Atlas that my father had given me.  (Along with a plastic milk crate of car fluids he felt should take up trunk space at all times.  He liked to imagine I was prepared for anything.  I was amused.  Now that I am a parent, I fully understand.  But, I digress.)  

Over the years, we have set out on many road trips with just my atlas.  No Mapquest, no GPS, no Goggle maps.  I was always the navigator.  Not just because it was my map but because I was better at it.  I know my husband is protesting right now.  I'm not trying to sully his manliness.  He is just fine at reading maps.  But he gets bored or glazes over and forgets that he is supposed to be watching the exits.  Or just falls asleep. (Not when he is driving!  That keeps him awake.  But, if he is the passenger, he has no motivation to stay awake.  A narcoleptic navigator is not helpful.)  I am not always perfect but I remain awake and always got us to our destination.

I like technology but I didn't jump on the GPS bandwagon right away.  I didn't need to pay good money for something that my atlas could already do.  (Have I mentioned that I am cheap?)  But, this past summer, we had a few road trips planned and there was one on sale at Target.  The fates were trying to convince me.  So, I bought it and a few days later [voice catching- I know I'm actually typing- shut up] I put my coverless, water damaged, dog eared, tattered atlas in the recycling bin.

A week or so later, we gave it our first run.  The kids decided to be the navigators and we were headed to grandma's house.  We always drive by rote but maybe the GPS had some new ideas?  I let the kids direct me and didn't think too deeply about the route.  Just as I realized where the witch telling us to go, I missed the last possible exit ramp before disaster.  Holy bad words, Batman, the hag put us on the Cross Bronx! I was sooooo annoyed.  At myself for not realizing.  I had to forgive her.  She's a machine and, of course, the Cross Bronx LOOKS quicker on paper.  

Despite the first flop, we hooked it up again a week later for a long ride down to North Carolina.  I decided the GPS couldn't be counted on to know the traffic in NYC so I didn't listen to her (recalculate this!) until we hit 95.  Around DC, it was after 10pm and we were hoping to squeeze in a few more hours before the kids began to weep. My husband was driving.  As we approached the Beltway, the GPS starts telling us to go a different way than we have always gone.  Huh?  

Already burned by her stupidity- I resisted and proclaimed that we had gotten a brain damaged GPS.  I had no atlas with which to fact check her hateful lies.  And my husband sided with HER!  I am scrambling to prove her wrong before he makes a terrible mistake when he says, "Well, let's see what happens."  What happens is SHE takes us through local streets bisecting the Beltway.  We could've zoomed around the mess.  Longer in miles? Yes, but shorter in time and fear factor.  Fear factor you ask?  She dumped us out on a street in a questionable neighborhood on a hot crowded, wild, summer Friday night.  (I judge neighborhoods questionable by mathematical equations: 1. How many inches from the ground are the men's waistbands and how many inches of underwear am I seeing?  2.  How many "wifebeater" tees are being worn by the populace?  3.  How many teeth are missing? and 4.  How many people are just milling around in the middle of the street daring us to try and get by?)   So instead of burning up the miles, I was pissed off and frustrated.  The kids were fading fast and we had to find our way back to the highway.  (Look kids, there's the Washington Monument!  Why are we in DC?  Just try to fall asleep.)

I had completely lost faith in our half-witted GPS.  I LOATHED how she only showed us the route on a "need to know" basis.  I wanted to see the entire plan- not just that little bit, dammit!  (Waa, my poor lost atlas!)  I want to see the whole damn state at a time- like my Randy McN used to show me!  Let me be the judge of what "shorter" route is worth it.  And I almost beat my husband on the way home from NC because she screwed us in DC again!  In a completely different way!   I assured my husband that she was nuts and yet he listened again! WTF, is he crazy?  Why is he so trusting?  Who has been navigating safely for all these years?  Me! And now you listen to this deceitful, vile box of sadism?!?  AAARRRRGGG!!!  She IS trying to break up my marriage as well just being a spiteful bitch about everything she hears me say about her.  

As much as I would like to hit her with a hammer, I can't bring myself to do it.  While she has proven herself to be a moron in the cities, she can be helpful in more rural areas.  You know, where there aren't many roads to choose from.  I think she just not very bright- a few circuits shy of a full board.  But it's hard to remember she's just stupid when she has that nice, lady voice.  A voice I hate - it just makes me attack her as if she is a real life home wrecker.  

I decided to go onto the company website and try to get a different voice.  (It must be bad if I am willing to pay for a voice change.)  I figured if I could get a Homer Simpson voice I wouldn't be so swollen with rage when she misdirects us.  I'd just be all, "Oh, that Homer is so silly!" And my husband would agree that we shouldn't listen to Homer because he is a moron.  (Homer, not my husband.) But it turns out that my company didn't only have Homer Simpson's voice.  They also have Darth Vadar- who seems much more appropriate to me.  Only someone evil would intentionally steer us so wrong.

Now I am torn.  Evil or stupid? 

(Plus, I am buying a new atlas!)