Once upon a time everyone smoked. At least it seemed that way. When entering a party, you had to cut a path
through clouds of acrid tobacco smoke to reach your friends. In cold weather, there were always crowds
huddled in doorways getting their fix and it was normal. If you didn’t have any
cigarettes, you could “bum” one off of a nice stranger. It was a brotherhood of bronchitis…
Nowadays, those doorway hang-abouts look like pathetic
losers and trying to bum a cigarette is admitting your dirty habit. How would you even know who to ask?! Everyone
hides their vile vice. The only telltale
sign of a smoker nowadays is the stale cigarette smell. Once worn by the majority, so few now wear
this scent that it is almost shocking when you get a wiff of it.
In college, for a year or so, I developed a minor smoking
habit. Everyone knew it was bad at that
point but there were no horrific commercials of death and we were still wowed
by the stylish Hollywood smokers. And,
there were statements to be made by the kind of cigarette you smoked. I favored Camel light (hard pack) to go with
my new wave music. Girly girl? Menthol. Like going slam dancing? You must smoke Camel
unfiltered! And I’m not sure who really
smoked those skinny, long Capris…
It was “cool” to have long lazy conversations about the
meaning of it all while the smoke drifted lazily ceiling-ward. It felt so cosmopolitan. I remember feeling so grown up and almost
glamorous (if you know me, I am about as far from glamor as you can get so you
can imagine the lure) as I narrowed my eyes and took a drag.
SO… With all this
in my past, I drove past a woman who was on a bench smoking the other day. Now that it so unusual to see, I had to do
the “Eeeww” double take. Just as I
looked, she narrowed her eyes for that “glamor” drag. It didn’t look as glamorous as I am sure it
felt. While I felt the dual pang of
revulsion and jealousy, I realized that no one in the 21st century can look enchanting smoking. As her eyes crinkled, she just looked sad and
yucky.
Suddenly, I decided that if you are caught in a vice as
yesteryear as smoking, you should dress the part. So that you look the glamor you are feeling.
Smokers should adopt retro clothing and an upswept beehive if you’re a
woman and Bogart hair if you’re a man. Since
the world went Technicolor, you can’t just walk around in black and white so it
would really help if you wore just
monochromatic clothing. Hair needs to be platinum or jet black with a lot of product. Makeup should be thick pancake and in grey
scale. And, I am not opposed to one of
those cigarette holders and long, white gloves.
Then, if you are on a park bench smoking, you will look like Marlene
Dietrich or Cary Grant and I am not going to do the “Eeww” double take. I am going to ogle your allure and your
mystique! I am going to look at you as
urbane and sophisticated instead of as a persona non grata.
It may seem like a lot of work but really it’s not. It’s definitely not as much effort as
figuring out your insurance and medical options if all the grim warnings come
true. Can you give a try? Come
on, please? I’ll give you a week to hit
the consignment shops….
