Smoking

            Once upon a time everyone smoked.  At least it seemed that way.  When entering a party, you had to cut a path through clouds of acrid tobacco smoke to reach your friends.  In cold weather, there were always crowds huddled in doorways getting their fix and it was normal. If you didn’t have any cigarettes, you could “bum” one off of a nice stranger.  It was a brotherhood of bronchitis…

            Nowadays, those doorway hang-abouts look like pathetic losers and trying to bum a cigarette is admitting your dirty habit.  How would you even know who to ask?!  Everyone hides their vile vice.  The only telltale sign of a smoker nowadays is the stale cigarette smell.  Once worn by the majority, so few now wear this scent that it is almost shocking when you get a wiff of it.

            In college, for a year or so, I developed a minor smoking habit.  Everyone knew it was bad at that point but there were no horrific commercials of death and we were still wowed by the stylish Hollywood smokers.  And, there were statements to be made by the kind of cigarette you smoked.  I favored Camel light (hard pack) to go with my new wave music.  Girly girl? Menthol.  Like going slam dancing? You must smoke Camel unfiltered!  And I’m not sure who really smoked those skinny, long Capris…

            It was “cool” to have long lazy conversations about the meaning of it all while the smoke drifted lazily ceiling-ward.   It felt so cosmopolitan.  I remember feeling so grown up and almost glamorous (if you know me, I am about as far from glamor as you can get so you can imagine the lure) as I narrowed my eyes and took a drag. 

            SO…  With all this in my past, I drove past a woman who was on a bench smoking the other day.  Now that it so unusual to see, I had to do the “Eeeww” double take.  Just as I looked, she narrowed her eyes for that “glamor” drag.  It didn’t look as glamorous as I am sure it felt.  While I felt the dual pang of revulsion and jealousy, I realized that no one in the 21^st century can look enchanting smoking.  As her eyes crinkled, she just looked sad and yucky. 

            Suddenly, I decided that if you are caught in a vice as yesteryear as smoking, you should dress the part.  So that you look the glamor you are feeling.  Smokers should adopt retro clothing and an upswept beehive if you’re a woman and Bogart hair if you’re a man.  Since the world went Technicolor, you can’t just walk around in black and white so it would really help if you wore just monochromatic clothing.   Hair needs to be platinum or jet black with a lot of product.   Makeup should be thick pancake and in grey scale.  And, I am not opposed to one of those cigarette holders and long, white gloves.  Then, if you are on a park bench smoking, you will look like Marlene Dietrich or Cary Grant and I am not going to do the “Eeww” double take.  I am going to ogle your allure and your mystique!  I am going to look at you as urbane and sophisticated instead of as a persona non grata.

            It may seem like a lot of work but really it’s not.  It’s definitely not as much effort as figuring out your insurance and medical options if all the grim warnings come true.   Can you give a try?   Come on, please?  I’ll give you a week to hit the consignment shops….