Bittersweet School Daze

Right now it's Sunday night and I am lying in bed awaiting the first day of a new school year.

I am struggling with a multitudes of "yet"s. This summer seemed exceedingly long, yet I can't believe it's over.  I bought their supplies in early July, yet I was scrambling to get it all figured out today.  I was so organized with all the pre-school start paperwork, yet I was just printing out schedules and home rooms for panicked kids.  I'm tired of feeding people on different summer-body-clock schedules, yet I already hate packing lunch boxes.  I'm SO tired of being surrounded every moment...yet... I'm missing them already.  Crazy.... But such is parenting- a bipolar, whiplash swing through moods, phases, frustrations, hopes and dreams.  I'm exhausted!

This summer was an odd one for us.  The very beginning of the summer started with a dreamy trip to Italy to meet up with family.  We had been planning it for soooo long and the school year-end craziness and trip-prep short circuited my brain and I didn't sign the kids up for anything.  I figured we'd find something to do. After we returned home and adjusted  to real life, everyone was happy with the lazy life.  I didn't really blame them.  The only time you CAN have a lazy summer is when you are young.  It's nice to be bored and lazy.  BUT we live in a town that doesn't (for the most part) do lazy summers.  Most kids go to camp and the town is empty- making it hard to find playmates. That leaves a LOT of pressure on me to be entertaining.  I start off as an okay camp counselor but burn out early and turn crappy.

I've been the mom-camp-director before and it was great but now?  What always worked doesn't seem to anymore.  Even though we all know what they say about excuses, here's my list of them...

1.  A bag of chalk, bubbles and water guns from Target is no longer entertaining.
2. They are older.
3. I am older.
4. They don't color anymore.  In fact, most art activities have lost their shine.
5. Nobody naps.  Why? Why? Why?

And the biggest...

While we always did summer "field trips", its getting harder to find something that they all enjoy.  One in High School, one in Middle School and one in Elementary School- impossible.  I can't  get anyone to agree on anything.  The oldest has been to everything that the youngest wants to go to a gazillion times. (And I've been a gazillion more because I remember the times that she forgot!  I'm living my own personal "Groundhogs Day"...) So we wind up debating what to do until its too late to do what I suggested in the first place.

I knew this would be the case because it started last summer.  I tried to lay out some ground rules BUT I am not the most disciplined of people.  I announced that "If you are staying home and not going to camp, you have to follow the mom camp rules!  There will be reading every day, math and instrument practice a few times a week AND chores!  You all have to learn how the house works. TV and computer will be limited! When I say we're going somewhere no on will complain! This is the Summer of Independence! You will do things for yourself!"   I saved leftover pages from workbooks, helped pick out summer reading, got a kids guidebook for NYC and dusted off the job jar.  I was ready to go.  But, in the words of the great Bugs Bunny, "What a maroon!"

It lasted about 2 weeks.  Then started sputtering.  Then I'd try to buckle back down but, once there had been a slip, they'd start weaseling...  By the middle of August we were in trouble. Then, school started late this year. I (shamefully) gave up. This last week, the garden slugs were more active.  It's amazing that Luca's cones and rods still allow him to see anything other than pixelated Minecraft-like images.  (When thrown off the computer, he needs to know when he can go back.  He's like a twitchy addict.)

So, I've been craving the start of school.  And,  yet...Back to the "yet"s. I need the structure to be a better mom, yet I dread the projects, freak outs and keeping everything organized. I am relived that no one will speak to me for 6 hours tomorrow, yet I will miss #3 wanting to share her every idea with ME.  I will be happy to do do my chores and errands in a monk-like silence, yet I'll have the radio on to keep me company.   I'll have no one to help me with housework, yet  I won't have to nag anyone to get it done.  I'll have no one to keep me company on errands, yet will be happy not have to listen to the begging for treats, candy and sparkly things at the stores.  

Motherhood, and it's constant mood swings, is making me dizzy...