Do Boobs Have a Bucket List?

"Don't  it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..."

This year, I made only one New Year's resolution.  It was to stop being a chicken and go through with a prophylactic mastectomy.  But, while I swore this was the year, I'm not always good at the follow through.  (Actually, I suck at it.  We've been in my house for 10 years and still have many blank walls.  But I have ideas!)  Anyway, my plan was to get the ball rolling and get ready to "part ways".  

Spring came and I waited for my semi annual breast surgeon appointment so I could start moving (at a snail's pace) toward surgery.  Then my annual MRI showed changes and I had to have a (another) biopsy.  Thank God (!) nothing malignant.  This time.  But it lit the fuse for me.  I kept thinking that if I had to have chemo because I hadn't done this two years ago, I'd be so angry with myself...besides everything else.  So, I spent June sore and meeting with surgeons. Planning surgery for the fall and knowing that this was my last summer with my girls.

I was never one to spend that much time thinking about my breasts.  As a tomboy, I was annoyed by their appearance in 6th grade and I insisted on wearing undershirts for far too long.  As a teen and young adult I wasn't one to have them hanging out looking for attention.  They aren't "fancy" - I don't even know what I mean by that!  (Large? Bedazzled?) They were just there.  I guess I appreciated them but took them for granted.  (Though I was impressed when I could feed babies with them.) But now that our days are numbered....

I was talking to a cousin and was saying that I feel like I should be going around topless.  Or sunbathe them.  Haul them out at parties.  Go on special trips with them.  (Do boobs have a bucket list?) She said, "It's like their Farewell Tour!"  That's exactly how I felt!  Like I should have a party for them. A BoobAPalooza!  (Who would believe the Stones are still going strong and I have to retire these girls?)  Okay, so I am not hauling them out but I feel like I should.  I guess it's a weird way of grieving the loss in advance.

I decided that if I had to do this I wanted it to fit into my life exactly where I wanted it to.  After the kid's birthdays, before the holidays, when all the school stuff was quiet.  I picked early October.  So, even though the surgeon said that they book 2-3 weeks out, I booked my October 8th surgery back in late July.  Ummmm, mistake. Instead of 2-3 weeks of fear and anxiety I opted for 8 weeks!  (Don't do that to yourself.  Ever.) I was so concerned with having my "ideal" timing... [idiot] So I've had plenty of time to spook myself out, do way too much internet research (where everyone dies) and to indulge in weird flights of fancy...

Like...

I've suddenly thought of boobs like a girl's secret superpower.  Used properly (or improperly) they cause men to stop thinking rationally.  I have to forfeit this power and I've never used it! Never used it to get drinks or out of a ticket or, I don't know, to get the cashier to not scan the expensive meats at Stop and Shop? (Okay, I guess that last one is only appealing at my age.)  Being a tomboy, none of that stuff has ever been "me" but have I missed an opportunity? 

And...

Maybe they won't look Frankenstein-y after all.  They could be better looking, I suppose.  Which makes me think of those girls who get implants and then just want to show them to everyone.  Is it because they are so happy? Or because showing them to so many doctors takes the mystery away?  I've been seen and touched by so many doctors, nurse and techs over the years that it's almost as normal as getting a haircut.  And that will all ramp up in the next few weeks. Could I forget that I am not supposed to be hauling them out every time someone say, "How are you doing?" Will I forget myself and trot them out at the holidays? ("It's a reunion tour!  They girls are back in town!")

Yes...

I know I am being CRAZY. I'm just worried about not feeling like me. No matter how great they turn out (please, please), they will still not be me.  It's strange knowing the surgeons will be moving things around on me.  Like a shell game....  And throwing out others...  [Shudder] But I know 100% that this is the right decision for me.  Even though I sometimes want to cancel it, all that would do is give me longer to worry about it all. 

But...

Here's a benefit to that stress and a deadline.  I have NEVER been so organized at the start of a new school year.  "Nesting" is not a pregnant lady thing.  It's an "Oh my God! I don't know what's going to happen so I'd better scrub everything now and buy enough supplies for a zombie apocalypse!" I've cleaned out my car, my garage, my basement, sorted closets, joined Cosco, bought dozens of Eggos... I have a million lists running of what I need to get and get done... Crazy- BUT it keeps me busy and from thinking too much...

One last thing...

I know it's probably weird that I am putting this out so publicly.  Especially when I have hard such a hard time telling people in person. But, I am an open person and have no problem talking about it if someone wants to.  Things get around.  This decision has been 15 years in the making for me.  And I am sure that (on Long Island- the BC capital) there are others contemplating the same course of action. Everyone has to come to their own conclusion and decide what's right for them. But I have had some wonderful people "show me their wares" and tell me about their experiences so I could find the right procedure for me.  I'd be happy to do the same for anyone else.  We girls and our girls have to stick together!


P.S. Unless you're a boy just looking for a free show! That's what the Internet is for...