Rambling On...

And now for some bad puns and then some random rambling:

Today is B-Day.
Ta ta to the Ta-Tas. (Good one, Vicki!)
All clear for take-off!

Ok,  I can't think of any more at this moment.  Today, for you, is October 8 and right now I am at the hospital getting ready or started.

Right now, for me, it's Friday October 4th. It's so weird to think that by this time next week it will be over.  I'm strangely calm.  I guess because, at this point, I'm locked in.  I've argued myself back and forth and around in circles and in the words of Jodie Foster, "I'm ok to go!"  I've spent SO much time thinking and worrying, I'm ready to just be done.

As a person, I'm a weird, messy mix of Pollyana and Woody Allen.  I am always looking at the bright side.  And then angsting about some other side.  If I were a cartoon character, I wouldn't have an angel and a devil whispering in my ear.  It would probably be some annoyingly chipper Care Bear and a big ass mosquito.  And no matter how happy that little bear is, the mosquito keeps grabbing my attention.

Here's an example. If YOU tell me you are going on a plane trip, I am so excited for you.  You'll have so much fun! If I am going on a plane trip, I'll intend to have fun BUT I'm pretty sure I'm going to die in a fiery crash before I get there.  If YOU tell me you are having surgery, I'm worry for you but I don't expect you to die.  If I am having surgery, it's time to start writing letters to everyone I love.

I have thought about every crazy possibility that won't happen. At this point, I've imagined  it all. Including, thanks to Grey's Anatomy and ER, earthquakes, hostage situations and mad bombers.  Ok, not those last few but only because I am trying to dial back my crazy. But I am crazy.  I WAS worried about having a weird Frankenstein torso by choice but THEN I started worrying about dying.  And that's where all the bad TV medical dramas stepped in! [Doctors shaking their heads.   How did this happen? Should've been routine!] All those things that make riveting TV are bad in the dark at night...

(Now, it's Monday the 7th.)

So I rode the crazy train all the way to the end.  Then reversed it back up the track.  I have to say that the last two weeks were not as bad as the earlier weeks.  When I was still wrestling with the choice I had made.   Even though I knew it was the right decision, I kept looking for a reason to change my mind.  For someone to say, this isn't necessary.  But everyone agreed.  It was like the time I told my mother I was going to run away and instead of talking me out of it she said, "Ok.  Where can I reach you? Should I help you pack?"  This time, I kept thinking, "I'm going to do this.  Don't try and stop me!" WTF?!  No one's going to try to stop me?!   (Even the insurance company was all, "Sounds like a plan.")  It was harder to get here than to be here. 

So I'm squishing the mosquito (for now) and listening to the happy Care Bear... (Here comes the rambling....)

I know I will be fine and not die and not look like Frankenstein and even if I do a little bit it will be worth it to not have to worry anymore.  AND it's nice to NOT have to wait to be sick to know how wonderful my family and friends are. ( I practically have to beat you people off with a stick.)  I promise I will ask for help if I need it.  I just don't know what I need yet.  And, actually, you have all done exactly what I needed already.  On my journey through this life, I have had such wonderful people by my side.  The people that I count as friends always make me feel AWESOME.  We may not always see each other but I am honored to know you all and lucky our paths have crossed. And we chose to be friends.  You make me feel better by just being. 

Now, friends are the family we chose for ourselves and I have made a great bunch.  But I am blessed to the Nth degree that the family I was given is incredible. I was born into a great extended family with lots of cousins and aunts who help fill my mother's shoes.  My husband and kids are awesome.   BUT right now, I am sooooo grateful for my wonderful in laws.  At EVERY point in my life that I have needed them, they were there.  They dropped everything to watch my kids when my parents were dying.  For weeks.  Not having to worry about my kids at that point was huge.  And they are again putting their lives on hold to help and cook and stay here.  I don't have to worry about juggling the kid's schedules and meals.  That's huge. (My wonderful mother in law even does laundry!)  

I am SOOOO enormously blessed to have them AND so happy that they are such a big part of my kid's lives.  When I try to thank them, they say, "Of course, we're family!"' But it's so much more. My kids don't understand that not everyone has this. And while I'm glad it's a given for them, I realize not everyone is so blessed.  I know people who's own parents aren't so willing to help or as involved in their kids lives.  J.'s entire family feels like mine. Like I was born to them.  And having that as a given makes life so much easier...  

Friends, family and the good kind of in laws? I am lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky... [to infinity]

So, I'll see you all on the flip side!