Today, I went to see my Gastroenterologist to check in and keep on top of genetics. Good times.[sarcasm] Actually today wasn't bad. No touching. Just talking. It's awkward being asked about "intestinal habits". BUT it's even more awkward being touched while being asked.
Today, he told me that it was time for me to have a colonoscopy again. Arg. The last time he told me that was when we first met. Not the best, "Getting to know you" topic- though he certainly got to know me. [shudder] And, just like last time, I found my thoughts racing in weird directions as he's trying to give me all the info I need...
[stream of consciousness]
- So the next time I see you you're going to, what??
- You literally (one of the few times the word literally is appropriate) will see parts of me "where the sun don't shine".
- How am I going to look you in the eye at the followup appointment??
Today, I was a little more mature about my situation. Last time? Not so much. I actually asked him, "Why can't you do colonoscopies by region? Like you rent van and a tranquilizer gun. Then, when I go out to get the paper in the morning, you dart me, throw a bag over my head and toss me in the back of the van with the other ten or so folks you need to scope. Keep me sedated and just dump me on the lawn at the end of the day. A little dazed but none the wiser. Then we can all pretend this never happened and I can look you in the eye not even knowing that you saw...stuff..." He chuckled indulgently and handed me a scrip. [sigh]
On my way home today, I was grumpily contemplating my future procedure. I began again to think of my original idea- medicinal kidnapping. I started thinking that it would actually be a great idea for those people in our lives who never go to the doctor for any of their routine checks. A thoughtful family member could sign folks up for a stealth exam using my methodology. You could arrange for them to have any or all of the exams they have been putting off! My god, I'm a genius!
As I drove, I thought about how smart I was and how many lives I could save if I was actually a medical professional. (With a shady van and a dart gun.) At that moment, I had a sudden "AHA" moment. The thought of stealing people, to probe them in ways they weren't willing to arrange themselves, made me realize that someone else has actually already started this business! All those people that have been "abducted" by aliens report being the victims of medical probes/exams have actually been set up by a loving family member for a comprehensive medical exam! Think about it, it's just like my business model! Meds that make you fuzzy, grabbing you when you least expect it, poking you, examining you, fuzzy memories... it all adds up!
It seems like many of these "abductions" happen in the southwest. I guess if stealth was part of your business plan it helps to have wide open spaces all around. And an "area" (51-shhh) nearby that has a mysterious quality you could use as a camouflage if needed. But there are smatterings in other states as well. Maybe it's a traveling doctor who goes where he (sexist- could be a she!) is needed. Like an old fashioned medicine show. OR that guy with the knife sharpening truck. I DON'T want to be picked up by that guy! (Ice cream truck guy, yes.)
The problem is that the secret is so well kept that I don't know how to get in touch with this roving Gastrointestinal Operative. (If only politicians could keep their secrets as...well..secret.) There's a certain man in my house who could might need to be the victim of a snatch-and-study...
