My husband
and I have been married nearly twenty years.
(It blows my mind to even write that because I still feel like I am
twenty years old. And look it, right?
Crickets. RIGHT?! Come on
people…) Anyway over the course of a marriage, things change. Not
in bad ways but I think it’s safe to say infatuation fades. How could he still be infatuated with me when
he knows I scrub the toilets? Real life
gets in the way. When infatuation fades,
I think it’s okay to get a little fix of the old feeling from someone
else. (Rule: Has to be someone unattainable.) I’ve had pretend
boyfriends for years; it’s only fair that he has a pretend girlfriend.
Right now,
his pretend girlfriend is Gloria from Modern Family- played by Sophia Vegara. And I can
totally understand why. (I’m talking
about the character Gloria; why think
of the real person when it’s all pretend anyway?) Gloria comes “bouncing” into a room. (I slam
my shoulder into the jamb on my way in.)
She wears tight clothes. (I am
hanging onto a pair of overalls and hoping they come back “in”.) She’s exotic.
(I am PB&J.) Her nails are beautiful. (I have nails.) And she always
looks put together. (Um, I’m falling
apart.) Gloria is the perfect
woman. She’s like a real live Barbie;
even
I want to look at her.
I even told
him that she is so beautiful and funny that it’s okay if he wants to bring her
home. I guess we’d be sister wives. She’s so pretty and sparkly that I got a little
caught up in the idea stream. [Insert
wavy dream sequence graphics.] We’d be friends.
She would teach the kids Spanish, help me match my clothes and show me how
to put on makeup. We’d giggle and maybe
do Pilates together. (I believe Pilates
is an exercise trend based on pirate-karate.)
We would share t-shirts and eye patches- it would be great! New besties!
But then I
started thinking about Gloria’s laugh and voice. We’re Italian and already loud. Add her to the mix and the neighbors would be
complaining. And what about taco
night? It’s one of the few dinners that
all three kids don’t complain bitterly about.
I’m sure it’s not very authentic and I’ll be pissed when she points that out.
(Like I need one more person
complaining about my food!) Plus, I’m sure I’ll have to do the dishes. She can’t ruin her manicure and the steam will be bad for her
blowout.
Then I started thinking: I’m sure I’ll be the wife who does the laundry.
I bet all her clothes have special instructions! Noooooo!!!
I’ve finally stopped shrinking things.
(Although, if I shrunk her clothes, they would fit # 3’s AG dolls…) Plus,
I’d bet that she changes clothes 100X a day.
I can just picture her in a cute Jane Fonda workout leotard exercising
enthusiastically as I frump past- schlepping her
laundry. I bet, in her exuberance, she
inadvertently punches me as I go by…
And, I’ve
seen “stars are just like you” photos. I
know she has to work to look that fab. I
could never compare with my school-driving/bus-stop-rushing/throw-on-quick
clothes. She’d sleep late while I got
everyone out the door and then she’d hog the bathroom for hours so I’d have to
stay rumpled all day. Plus, she’d stay
up late with her loud voice and laugh so I’d always have giant rings under my
eyes…
The idea of
a sister wife is attractive if she
makes life easier. I think having
Gloria as a sister wife is actually going to make more work for me and wear me
down into a ragged hag. I think I need
to start brainwashing J to pick out a new pretend girlfriend. Someone who will not make me look so bad in
comparison. Who won’t work me into a nub
of a woman… Hopefully someone who will
help out a little and cook and make me look good when I stand next to her. Someone like…
Alice!! From The BradyBunch!! That’s the kind of girlfriend he
should have! Carol Brady had it all
figured out! Sit in the groovy den and
read a magazine while a plain looking sister wife does all the work and cooking
and lots of the childcare without laying a hand on your husband! Perfecto!
I bet if I quietly played audio of Alice,
while filling the air with the scent of bacon, J would find his thoughts
inexplicably drawn to Alice. It wouldn’t
be long until I would find photos of Alice in the browser history. J would be all, “Heather, I keep having these
weird Brady Bunch dreams. It’s so
creepy! In them, Alice is talking with
Gloria’s voice!” [Shudder] Hmm, I think
I need to go research what could go wrong with subliminal
messaging. And the meaning of the word
pretend…
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